How to become a World Class Traveller

In my very limited travel experience, I've learnt that there are certain rules to be observed if you want to be a successful traveller. You know, the sort of people you hear about when you go home that have these incredible stories about all sorts of unimaginable things. Up until now, I've always wondered how people could have so many borderline unbelievable stories. However, I think I may have cracked it.

If you yourself want to be loved by foreigners, and then loved again when you go back home, there are just a few simple rules that you need to follow*. Soon, you'll be the life of every party, and be the person that everyone wants to know.

I felt that this may be too hard to explain just in text, so I've decided to add a few laptop-drawn pictures, to really emphasise these points. I have two characters in the following sequences; Me and foreigner.

Right. Let's begin.

1. Feign an interest

Especially in foreign countries/cultures, you can't be guaranteed that people will have shared interests with you, so you'll need to develop new ones.

You won't know what they are though, until someone else mentions it.


However, it should all be smooth sailing from this point onwards.

The upside is that you will develop an entire new friendship group! I'm sure that, in time, you could look past their unheathly obsession with insects. And maybe even learn to enjoy visiting insect exhibtions. After all, what are friends for?

2. Exaggerate everything

It is a well known fact that 'genuine' stories are never really as interesting as your friends make them out to be. So go on, why not add a bit of flair to your stories. It's not lying, it's creative licence, and the people will love you for it.

Before you know it, everyone will want to know more about where you come from, what you do and how to become your new Best Friend. They will even mistake you for Kiesha Castle-Hughes. Just pray like hell that your newfound friends don't ever come to New Zealand.

3. Generalise

Sure, I get annoyed by constantly being asked if I've kissed a sheep, or whether I starred in Lord of the Rings, or if I know everyone in New Zealand, but foreigners love it when you do this to them in return!

I have a swedish friend here, and his name is Daniel. The following sequence would be a typical everyday conversation between us. Daniel plays the role of Foreigner. Please note how we only ever talk about stereotypes from his culture. Under no circumstances should you change the topic, unless you want the conversation to die a long, and horridly awkward, death. Along with your chances of finding friends.

This is always incredibly entertaining, and you will reap the rewards of this behaviour before you know it. It is rumoured however, that I am lucky Daniel is still my friend.

So, just follow these three simple steps and before you know it, you'll have so many friends that your Facebook page won't cope, and your computer will simply explode under stress.

*Not actually to be followed.

Envy Syndrome

Having recently blinked and then woken up in Germany, have I pondered on what actions I've taken to lead me down this path. What is it that motivates me? Where has this drive to get out and explore come from? After some time thinking about this, I discovered that I don't really have any logic behind what I do, although it's usually out of envy.

In hindsight it seems quite silly, but at the time it always seems to make perfect sense. I am always so inspired after hearing stories of people who've travelled the globe or accomplished great feats, to the point where I usually set out to try and imitate the same thing.

When someone puts forward in conversation "I lived in Africa for 7 years and cured poverty in the village I was living in", or "I've been to so many places that I can now speak 12 languages", I end up having a burning desire to accomplish the same thing. I'm unsure why, but its like I can't stand the thought of me missing out on something someone else has done.

However, when I try to put these things into practice, does it not always work out how I had planned it in my head.

For example, I recently spent two months in South East Asia. After everyone had raved and ranted about how great Asia was, this is how I expected the trip would go:

Me, before trip:

(Me, young and naive. I figured an unflattering photo would highlight this.)

and me, afterwards...

I would have reached a higher plain, and suddenly all would become clear in my life. Sadly however, the reality was more like this:

Before trip:

and afterwards...

(clueless - when I google image-searched 'clueless guy' this is all that came up)

It's not to say I didn't enjoy my trip, but I didn't return with pope-like status or as some form of demi-god. Somehow, this had seemed like the next logical step in my brain.

I've decided to name this demoralising disease as 'Envy syndrome'. Needless to say, this has resulted in several problems.

Sure, maybe a friend really had cured some sort of problem in Africa, but I thought I'd start with something a bit more manageable. So I decided to give a begging Serbian woman money. After doing so, and being satisfied with my good deed, I continued with my day believing I was a better human being. "If I can handle this, surely I can handle Africa" I thought to myself. However, the begging Serbian decided to tell a few friends that maybe I was easy to get money out of, and before long I had 15 odd members from the same family following me round. Well, not just following me, but hunting me. It was like a scene out of Jurassic park. They were predators, and there I was just offering myself to them. This got me thinking; maybe humanitarianism isn't quite as glamourous as it's made out to be, and that Africa would have to wait.

Not to be deterred by this, I figured I would continue to try and do something else incredibly exciting, even if just for the sake of having something to brag about at a dinner party. Everyone speaks lots of languages, so I wanted to speak another one too. Why not just move to Germany? It seems simple enough, and I'm sure it'll give me plenty of stories when I return home. Whats more is I'll have an epiphany and suddenly all will become clear in my life.

Well, it hasn't. I live in Germany, and try speaking german occasionally. I thoroughly enjoy it over here, and am glad I did it, but it hasn't been quite the epiphany that I thought it would be before I left. If anything, its only highlighted how many more things I want to do/see/explore/learn before I go home.

The moral of this story is that, I think, maybe I shouldn't be so reliant on expectations, because usually what I expect and what I get are two completely different things.

I don't really know where this blog post came from. Will post a proper one again shortly.

Oh, and for those who haven't already seen what I got up to in Asia, check out this link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TF4WsHyH0zk